The Life-Cycle of a Volunteer: The Six Month Hump

Among the first things that a volunteer learns is this:  we all go through very similar phases.  Typically, the first six months is the hardest portion of service for any volunteer.  Adjustments are still being made, the idea of years of service looms over their head, and often times they’re still detaching from their life in the states. 

I’ll take a second here to apologize for not having updated my blog in a long time.  The majority of my writings happen in moments of clarity inspired by something in my day-to-day life.  Unfortunately, those moments have been few and far between lately.  Over the last few weeks I’ve been sick, homesick, and dealing with a number of other issues.  My thoughts have been very jumbled, and I haven’t been able to find the motivation to write.  I haven’t felt that I’ve had anything of any real substance to say.  But, as you may have surmised, that has changed tonight.

Why is being a Peace Corps volunteer so difficult?  As I’ve said before, it’s not the lack of amenities.  Those are minor adjustments in the grand scheme of things.  I think I’m starting to recognize what is it that is just so difficult, but I’m going to try not to get ahead of myself here.

So I’ll start by saying this.  I’ve never really lived alone before.  There are some things about living alone that I love, but that’s far outweighed by moments of loneliness and frustration.  I was fortunate to have a great group of friends from a very young age.  Particularly, I think back to my years as an upperclassman at Wofford.  I lived with some of my closest friends and had such a fantastic community all around me.  I had very few moments of loneliness and isolation during my entire 4 years of college. 

My life now is a different story.  Even the busiest volunteers find themselves with a good deal of down-time.  We don’t have cars to travel, most of us are rather constrained financially, and we have fewer friends near by than we’re used to.  This leaves us with plenty of time for contemplation and reflection.  I would dare to say that after a few months, volunteers even get beyond that.  We’re stripped of community, coping mechanisms, and many of the distractions from our lives back home.  I would venture to say that at some point in the first six months, every volunteer is forced to take a hard look at themselves.  And I do mean forced.  We’re left alone with ourselves, which, when you take everything else away, can actually be pretty frightening.  We’re forced to confront the things about ourselves that we don’t like, as well as the things that maybe shouldn’t even be a part of our lives.  I can honestly say that I’ve never really assessed the things about myself that I do and don’t like.  It’s a challenging thing to do.  But when you have lots of time on your hands, it happens. 

There are plenty of things that I do like about myself.  I like the fact that I’m a highly analytical person.  It helps me discern why I feel the way I feel at any given time.  I like the fact that I thrive off of my relationships with the people that are closest to me.  I like the fact that I’m often times able to see the big picture and not just focus on the present.  However, all of those things are being challenged and I’m also forced to confront the things about myself that I’m not crazy about.  I never really realized that I had the ability to drive myself crazy.  Sometimes I have the hardest time letting go of things… 

Anyways, this is getting a bit tangential.  Let me just get to the point.  Peace Corps service is challenging because, as volunteers, we’re left alone with ourselves.  I think many of you would be surprised at the big questions in life that we never ask ourselves.  Who am I?  How do I really feel about myself?  What do I really want out of life?  Do I have the ability to achieve my dreams?  Even writing these questions down is daunting, because I honestly can’t say that I have answers for them right now. 

The redeeming fact about all of this is that I’ve come to a point where I recognize what it is that I’m being faced with.  My challenge is not immersing in a new culture, finding a way to make a difference, or getting used to an alternative lifestyle.  Those things may be challenging, but I’m confident that I can, and already am, doing all of that.  The real challenge that I’m faced with is coming to terms with myself.  It’s so easy to gloss over these big questions when you’re constantly surrounded with love and affirmation.  Take that away, though, and you may see that there is a lot that truly needs to be dealt with.

  “Mastering others is strength.  Mastering yourself makes you fearless.”  -Lao Tzu

Morutabana Bakang

The first couple of months as a PCV can be kind of tough.  You have to get integrated into a foreign community, all the while trying to find direction for your service.  Unfortunately, many of us are plagued by having way too much time on our hands.  Don’t get me wrong, after PST a little time to myself was welcomed.  But the appeal of time to myself quickly diminished.  After a month or so, I was confronted by a question.  Why am I here?  I think about all of the things I’m missing out on, and I’m forced to question whether it’s worth it.  And it’s hard to get up in the morning if the answer is no.  So my goal as of late has been to turn that no into a yes. 

Sadly, my work at the Xhosa clinic is not your typical Peace Corps work.  Or maybe it’s just not what someone might envision when they go through the process of joining the Peace Corps.  My role at the clinic primarily focuses on systems strengthening and information management.  In other words, the medical staff is good at practicing medicine, but bad at organization and management.  I spend a lot of my time organizing and developing policies, working on performance development plans, and making sure the patient records are properly organized, stored, etc.  Outside of that, I’m trying to help delegate different tasks to encourage sustainable growth.  This isn’t exactly the fulfilling type of work that I signed up for.  That may sound selfish, but I have to find a way to be satisfied with what I’m doing.  Unfortunately the needs of the clinic and my needs don’t quite line up.

The beauty of our roles as PCVs is that our jobs are very loosely defined.  Our primary work may be kind of structured, but we all take up secondary projects that can be anything we choose.  I’ve spent some of my spare time getting to know the staff at Xhosa Primary School.  Today I was at a meeting with the guidance counselors in which we were discussing how we might acquire textbooks and a few computers.  While I was there, I met a teacher by the name of Rosemary (she has a Tswana name, but it’s too long and difficult to pronounce for me to memorize.  Her words, not mine.)  Rosemary told me that she once worked with a PCV who helped teach her students to speak English.  Essentially, the novelty of learning from an American helped the students to engage in the material and become proficient speakers.  Long story short, I start teaching English tomorrow.

Personally, I love the philosophy behind this opportunity.  If you were to walk around my community for an hour, you would realize that an American is a true novelty here.  It can be irritating at times, like when I get hit up for money on a daily basis.  But, for whatever reason, almost everyone I pass wants to speak with me.  This is especially true once I speak to them in Setswana.  I love that I can use this novelty to my advantage and help some students learn English.  Being proficient in English can take you a long way in Botswana, and it’s typically a good indicator of someone’s level of education.  This isn’t always true, but I think there is a pretty strong correlation.  I’m hoping that this new project will help me feel a little more fulfilled in my day-to-day life.

On another note, I really miss home.  That seems like a funny thing to say, because it’s been true ever since I left.  However, the nature of it changes.  At first, I mostly missed good food and hot showers.  You get used to that.  I still miss those things, but I don’t think about it all that much.  However, I will tell you this.  If you want to know how you feel about something, go with out it for a while.  If you want to know what you’re really passionate about, separate yourself from your life (as you know it) for some time.  I can tell you that there is a short list of things that I’ll never stop missing as long as I’m here.  These are the kinds of things I think about every day: baseball, snowboarding, camping in the mountains, sitting on the beach at night, my hometown, etc.  Of course a number of people are a large part of this too.  There are certain people that I tie to anything that I’m passionate about.  The people aren’t just another aspect of my life back home that I miss, they’re part of everything that I miss.  Being away can really teach you how much you take for granted.

On the same note, I find myself taking certain things for granted here.  Sometimes I think too much about the things I miss from back home and how much I look forward to going home one day.  What I fail to do is think about what I appreciate about being in Botswana.  That list is much shorter, but it’s growing.  I’m fortunate to have a beautiful scene right outside of my house.  During the day, Mahalapye can be kind of mundane.  But at night, the stars are probably the best I’ve ever seen.  If you really sit outside and watch, you’ll see a number of shooting stars in a short amount of time.  Over the last week, I’ve taken a liking to just sitting on my back step at the end of the day and stargazing as I try to put things into perspective (can anyone guess where I’m sitting as I write this blog?)  I know it’s a cliché thing to say, but sitting under the stars really makes me feel very small.  The beautiful part about that is that it has a way of making my problems seem just as small.  And two years doesn't seem quite so long anymore...

Truth in Cliche

Since I’ve been here, there has been one phrase in particular that I’ve heard over and over.  “Your Peace Corps experience is what you make it.”  This is something that I recognized to be true, but also took to be very general, almost cliché advice.  However, over the past few weeks I’ve grown to find that to be truer every single day.  It’s so true that it doesn’t just apply to my service as a whole, but it applies to every single day.  I’m realizing that more often than not, the kind of day I have is directly related to the kind of choices I make.  Recognizing that is often the first indicator of what kind of day I’m going to have.

On the bad days I often find myself slipping into a mentality where I see myself as influenced by my environment.  I feel like being here weighs on me, and I usually give in to some kind of escapism.  Usually this means that I retreat to laying out the couch and watching some type of TV show or movie.  On the surface, this doesn’t seem so bad.  But usually I’m just kind of hoping that the world around me will slip away for a while and that I’ll become unaware of my situation.  This often keeps me from doing anything productive.  And when I fail to do anything productive, the descent back into reality is always a painful one.  I become very aware of how far from home I am, and I don’t see the point.  What’s the point in being so far away from home and familiarity if you’re not going to do something worthwhile?  It’s become clear to me that this lifestyle isn’t sustainable, and I won’t be successful in my service if this is how I live my days.

On the good days I usually see myself as influential to my surroundings.  Usually good days involving running, working out, reading, writing, or doing significant work at the clinic or school.  These days are still very challenging, but I am often very thankful for the challenge; I would even say I welcome it.  These are the days where I feel like I’m growing, changing, and preparing myself for a better future.  I’m able to see the challenges to come as manageable, and I look forward to my future with great anticipation.  I typically find myself to be much more confident on these days.  Confidence goes a long way here.  One of my fellow PCVs recently wrote that “Peace Corps service strips an individual to their core.”  That being said, self-confidence is a necessity here.  If you don’t have it, you’re forced to try to develop it.  Otherwise, you’ll most likely be miserable. 

The problem that I’ve encountered now is that knowing about this pattern isn’t enough.  Living passionately will never be formulaic.  It’s still so incredibly easy to come home after work and simply give in to escapism.  If you really stop and think about it, life is full of ways that we numb ourselves.  There are many things in life that aren’t inherently bad, but when we give ourselves to them, they become crutches.  I’m becoming more and more convinced that living positively and passionately is a choice.  However, it’s not a simple choice.  It’s not choosing to run, write, and be productive.  It’s choosing to be proactive in pursuing whatever it is that will make you happy.  Unfortunately, we often mistake what makes us happy for what we most immediately want.  If that were the way to go, I would be seeing some of you in about 48 hours.  Sometimes being happy takes looking a little deeper.  I may not want to go for a run right now, but if I do I know I’ll feel better about myself, and I’ll get a little endorphin kick as well.  The bottom line is that I feel that trying to be happy takes being introspective, incredibly honest with ourselves, and having the will-power to make things happen.  Some days I succeed at this, and others I fail.  C’est la vie!

I'll soon be heading back to Gaborone for a few more weeks of training.  Although I'm not looking forward to 8 hours of sessions per day, I AM looking forward to hot showers, hot meals (that I didn't have to cook), and some quality time with my fellow PCVs.  I've been told that the period between swearing in and IST (the period of time that i'm now finishing up) is often the hardest as a PCV.  There is the large amount of time before you go home, your service is really ambiguous, and it can be quite lonely at times.  Right now I find that I have to tell myself to just put one foot in front of the other sometimes.  That may sound a bit sad, but when I think about it that way...every step is leading me a little bit closer to a future that i'm very excited about.  I'll still have my bad days, i'm sure.  But my hope is that, in a general sense, things will begin to get easier with each step I take.  

(The article I mentioned is by Ross Szabo.  It’s well worth the read if you have a free  moment.  It may be primarily about Peace Corps service, but there is definitely something in it for everyone:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ross-szabo/coping-peace-corps_b_914645.html)

Walden via Botswana

‘I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  I did not wish to live what was not life, living is do dear; nor did I wish to practice resignation, unless it was quite necessary.’

                                                                                    Henry David Thoreau-Walden

I’ve said before that many people join the Peace Corps for reasons far beyond the perceived altruism.  The reasons vary from person to person and situation to situation.  Personally, I think there is a lot to be gained from being so far removed.  I am relatively sure that it’s of no surprise to many of you that the pace of life is much slower here.  It offers plenty of time for contemplation and reflection, which, as an extroverted-introvert, I take full advantage of.  I feel as if I’m in a position to take the necessary time to evaluate many different aspects of life; both within society and within my own life.  Being far removed from your own culture allows a certain perspective that people rarely experience otherwise.  Although Thoreau, and Transcendentalism in general, can be a bit exaggerated for my taste, it does a fine job of expressing the belief that we don’t always evaluate our own lives as much as we should.  I’m of the opinion that we’re a part of a culture that has learned to busy itself with a lot of activities that are, in the end, meaningless.  Unfortunately, I’ve integrated into a culture that shares this trait.  Botswana doesn’t share the break-neck pace of the American lifestyle, but it has a seemingly infinite amount of bureaucracy and a fascination for social hierarchy.  Needless to say, this often causes me great frustrations.  One of the primary reasons that I left America was to separate myself with this endless cycle of busying oneself with the American Dream.  I appreciate the themes of solitude and self-discovery in Walden, and it’s something that I’ve been searching for since I left.  Unfortunately, this is a difficult task in a society that, in my opinion, is obsessed with it’s façade of social hierarchy.  It turns out that separating oneself from society is a rather difficult task.  After all, most people are a direct product of their environment. 

So, it seems that despite being thousands of miles from home, I’m still set against my surrounding culture.  At the heart of solitude and self-discovery, there is a search for truth.  What I’m finding is that, much like the bureaucracy of my new culture, there is a lot of meaninglessness to work through in order to approach matters of truth.  I think Thoreau says it best:

‘Let us settle ourselves, and work and wedge our feet downward through the mud and slush of opinion, and prejudice, and tradition, and delusion, and appearance, that alluvion which covers the globe, through Paris and London, through New York and Boston and Concord, through Church and State, through poetry and philosophy and religion, till we come to a hard bottom and rocks in place, which we can call reality and say ‘This is’, and no mistake. . . be it life or death, we crave only reality’

Recently, I was standing at the top of a hill (or should I say THE hill) in a village called Kumekwane.  I watched closely as life went on below.  I saw the cattle grazing, children playing, and adults walking up and down the dirt road.  It was as if life was moving forward, but nothing was really happening.  It was a very organic type of experience, and I came to the realization that life will always move at the same pace.  We may find meaningless work to busy ourselves with while in search of the American Dream, or we may find ways to circumvent responsibility and do nothing of any consequence; both are merely our own poorly constructed facades.  I’m beginning to think that shaking off these constraints is key to really living life.  Either construct is working against the natural order of things.  I’m hoping that this realization will help me to rid myself of the realms of my life that are meaningless, to busy myself with what is meaningful, and in doing so, become ‘awakened’:

‘We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep.  I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by a conscious endeavor.’

Beethoven-Fantasia in D Minor

Correction

Correction on my address:

William Blakely Ruble
Box 3470
Mahalapye, Botswana

NOT Private Box.

Also, hand sanitizer is another great thing to send!

Blake

Finally a PCV!

Well, I’m officially a PCV now.  I moved into my house in Mahalapye about a week and a half ago.  And, as I suspected, everything has changed.  I’m no longer subject to the ‘go, go, go!’ mentality of PST, and I no longer feel like I’m being treated like a twelve year old.  I have time to do things that I enjoy now (reading, writing, socializing within my new community, etc), and I’m much happier.  I suppose I’ll start with work and then move on to play…

I’ve just started my second week working at the Xhosa 1 clinic.  Our first two months at site are dedicated to doing a community assessment, so the tasks start off very basic and the more complex programs come after In-Service Training.  So far, I’ve done a lot of data entry, as I’m the only one at the clinic (that I know of) that is fluent in the use of computers.  I’ve spent a good deal of time entering results from lab tests, primarily CD4 cell counts and viral loads, and filing the hard copies of this data.  Apparently these results have just been piling up over the last year or two, because a few of the results have dated by to ’09.  This goes to highlight that monitoring and evaluation is not one of Botswana’s strengths.  This may also explain why there are so often problems with issues like funding and adherence.  The levels of accountability are very low.  Aside from data entry, my counterpart has spoken with me about helping them with some upcoming project, but the details are a little sketchy at the moment.  Also, I have a friend/colleague in the community named Mpumi who has approached me about helping out with a safe male circumcision campaign.  Outside of the clinic, I’ve met with some of the major stakeholders within my immediate community.  In particular, I met a local Kgosi (headman) who publicly introduced me to a large group of community members (which is why at least once or twice a day I hear ‘Hey Bakang!’ from someone I don’t really know…).  I also had a brief meeting with the staff at the Xhosa Primary School.  I’m particularly interested to check out the state of their Life Skills classes and see what programs they have in place to address prevention and support for children affected by HIV.  The headmaster mentioned to me that the school has a large number of OVC’s (Orphans/Vulnerable Children), so there is definitely a lot of potential for programs at the school.  I’ve only been at my site for a few weeks, but I already see a lot of potential for strong programs.  Now I have to see if I can find passionate people to work alongside, and also a little bit of funding. 

As I just moved to Mahalapye, I don’t have a whole lot going on outside of work yet.  That’s been a very good thing for me, though.  The pace of life has slowed down a lot, and I’ve had a lot more time to focus on myself.  I’ve gotten a good bit of reading done over the last couple of days, and I feel more relaxed than I have since the day the Peace Corps called me to tell me that I had an invitation on the way.  There are a number of volunteers in close proximity to me, which is nice, but I’ve been able to make a few non-PC friends in the community, which has been encouraging.  I suppose that makes it feel a little more like home.  My house is on a family compound, which I was very opposed to when I was in PST, but I’m actually very thankful for now.  Different family members have come to check on me multiple times to make sure I’m settling in well and that I have everything I need.  They also invite me into their home occasionally to share a meal with them.  I’ll never turn down a good home-cooked meal!  They also respect my privacy, which goes a long way with me.

Over the years, I’ve spent a vast amount of time thinking about Peace Corps service.  PST was a really rough experience for a variety of reasons, but it really challenged my preconceived notions about what Peace Corps service would be like.  Luckily, PST is a thing of the past and I’m finally a volunteer.  My service is different than I anticipated in a lot of ways, but the essentials are a lot like I had hoped.  The people at my clinic seem to appreciate me being there, and are very excited to work alongside of me.  We’ve established relationships based on our individual strengths and the realization that we can be mutually beneficial.  Although I’ve only been doing data entry so far, the work itself means a lot more in the bigger picture.  Having that data on the computer means easier access and quicker assessment of ARV regiments.  The clinic becomes a little more efficient and, in the end, can take on a little bit more.  I’m not saying this to boast in myself in any way, but to just point out that something simple can be much more fulfilling because there is a bigger picture.  Being so far away from home can be so incredibly challenging sometimes, but a sense of purpose goes a long way in making it manageable.  Don’t get me wrong, I would hate to be stuck entering lab results into a computer for two years.  But, I think that if data entry can feel a bit more meaningful, how much more meaningful will bigger projects be?  I suppose we’ll find out soon enough.

Some people have asked about care packages, so I figured I would address that now.  First off, I have a new address for my site:

William Blakely Ruble

Private Box No. 3470

Mahalapye, Botswana

Now, for ideas of things to send:

-Magazines of anything I’m interested in (Travel, Snowboarding, Martial Arts, Outdoors/Adventure, etc…) 

-Easy Mac/Doritos (awesome combination)

-Books (Just ask what I want at the moment, I’ve got tons in mind)

-Sour Parch Kids (delicious)

-Mixed CD’s with good new music

-Socks (SO HARD TO CLEAN BY HAND!!!)

-Things to decorate my house (pictures, notes, things that remind me of home, etc)

-Trash bags (hard to find here…)

-Dried fruit

-Any other kind of delicious food

-Multi-vitamins

-Cold medicine (I’m not sick, but it’s hard to find good stuff here)

-Ask if you need any other ideas, I’m sure I’ll think of more…

Thanks in advance to anyone who sends anything.  Getting a care package is a huge morale booster! 

Please write me.  I want to hear from everyone about how everyone is doing, etc.  It should be really easy for me to get back to you quickly IF you send an email to me via RubleWB@gmail.com.  I can’t access Facebook all that often, and I can’t usually access my Wofford account, so make sure you send things to my gmail account. 

Ke itumetse, sala sentle!

Wolf Like Me-TV on the Radio

[insert witty title]

Have you ever had the feeling that time is standing still?  For the past 8 weeks, I’ve been trying to get past that very feeling.  Day by day I’ve been subject to many of the same frustrations.  It hasn’t been all bad, but the frustrations have a way of piling up when they are repetitive and constant.  Essentially, I’ve been subject to my own purgatory.  This idea of ‘two years’ looms over me every time I feel the weight of my frustrations.  Fortunately, in one (hopefully) short week, I’ll be upgraded from a trainee to a PCV.  Our swearing in ceremony will be conducted next Tuesday, and I’ll be freed from my metaphorical purgatory.  I understand that this probably sounds slightly dramatic, but I’m thousands of miles from home.  I think I’ve earned that right.

My hope in pointing this out is to give some insight from what I’m coming from and where I’m headed.  Last week, I spent a few days on Mahalpye, my home for the next two years.  I will live in a ward called Xhosa 1, which is just a short combi ride from downtown Mahalpye.  I’ll be working in the local clinic, and living about 1.5k away.  I’ve met a few of my co-workers, and even received my first task.  The staff in my clinic would like to learn how to use computers, and especially learn how to type.  Given that some of my first memories are of using computers (back in the days of DOS for you old folks!), I think I can do this.  These kinds of tasks aren’t typically primary tasks for PCV’s, but it’ll be a great introductory project that will help me get to know my staff and build a rapport.  Conceptually, my goal within the clinic is capacity building.  I want the organization and the people within it to acquire skills and systems that will help promote the operations of the clinic long after I’ve gone. 

I also have responsibilities outside of the clinic.  I’ll pick up at least one secondary project within the community.  Given that I have a background of working with youth, that may be one potential outlet for my secondary project.  However, both my primary project and my secondary project are subject to a needs assessment.  During my first two months at site my job is to meet stakeholders in my host organization and community and find out what the primary needs of each are.  After that, my task is to find ways to mobilize the community to solve their own issues.  Essentially, I want to act as a catalyst within the communities.  I could do my best to solve their problems, but then things would collapse when I leave in two years.  Successful PCV’s are able to push communities to not only solve their own problems but also improve their own systems and highlight new opportunities within the existing infrastructure. 

On a personal note, the challenges of being in Peace Corps and starting a new life have really pushed me to confront facets of my own personality that I’ve overlooked.  During my training we’ve talked a lot about the concept of sustainability.  Recently, I’ve been taking that concept and looking inward.  I’ve begun to realize that I have changes to make in order to promote my own sustainability.  Hidden within America’s Puritanical roots, there are certain concepts that have become societal norms that are very unhealthy.  The idea of charity is beautiful example.  Our concept of charity leads some overly-sympathetic people to self deprivation and borderline masochism in efforts to appease some needs within the community.  While this may be noble, it’s certainly not sustainable (except for your occasional saint).  Personally, I’ve found that I’m often easily burdened with what I feel are other’s expectations for me.  So much so, that I will sacrifice time I’ve set aside for myself to make sure that I complete what I feel are obligations.  This often leads to compounding stress and a lack of general well-being.  Lately I’ve had to force myself to set those expectations aside and do what I think is best for me.  Since then, I’ve felt more equipped to handle the daunting 2 years ahead of me. 

It’s funny how it’s so easy to learn about concepts like sustainability (or utilitarian concepts in general) and take them to heart in every way possible except for individually.  It almost feels as if we’re creating double standards within the construct of society.  It’s so easy to know what’s best for everyone and everything except ourselves.  In the past, I’ve considered myself the type of person who is ‘in touch’ with himself.  I’m just now realizing that there are a multitude of things that I really don’t know about myself yet…

I always wanted to be the type of person who always had more questions than answers.  And until now, I never thought about that in the terms of oneself…






Joseph Arthur-In the Sun

The Strike and Mahalpye

Being an altruistic and idealistic PCT is both a blessing and a curse right now.  First, the curse:

My life right now is both incredibly hectic, and no longer my own.  I thought a few weeks ago that my life was consumed by the wants and needs of the Peace Corps and my homestay family.  Unfortunately, I didn’t know what would come next.  Last Saturday I received my site placement (which I’ll talk about in more detail later).  I was supposed to arrive at my site for my initial visit yesterday morning.  Unfortunately, the government workers had other plans.  Our site visit was cancelled for reasons related to both logistics and safety; both effects of the strike.  PST has been really challenging, and my site visit had become my respite.  For a few days, all I could think was “If I can just make it to Wednesday, I’ll be okay”.  So, needless to say, I wasn’t too happy when the decision was passed along to us that site visit would be delayed.  It may or not make sense.  There is no guarantee that the situation will be any better in a week.

Tonight, President Khama addressed the nation.  Government employees are supposed to get a five percent raise every year.  They haven’t received a raise since 2008, and inflation has quickly made many things that were once affordable no longer so.  The employees initially demanded a 16 percent raise, and planned to strike for 10-14 days.  It’s now been over a month, and the government has offered no more than five percent.  Many reasons were cited for this decision, including the world recession, the tsunami/earthquake in Japan (the second largest buyer of Botswana’s diamonds), and essential programs such as poverty relief.  Honestly, it’s hard to know which side is right in this situation, as media is very limited here and the government pretty much has it monopolized right now (not to mention I’m not sure that I’m allowed to express political opinions).  So, I’ll leave it at this, the strike reached the point where it’s affected the Peace Corps.  My hope is that after the address tonight, things will resolve.  However, if it doesn’t get any better there could be a variety of consequences for us, ranging from further delays to even facing the possibility of being sent home. 

To bring this back to my original point, my experience thus far has been pretty much the opposite of everything I spent time daydreaming about (while looking for lost Fluor boxes).  Don’t worry too much though, as my initial statement suggests…there is another side to this.  And it boils down to this:

PST is essentially the antithesis of Peace Corps service.  Right now life is too hectic.  I never get time to myself, and everything is planned out for me.  But in a few short weeks, everything will change!

I’ve been assigned to a clinic called Xhosa 1 in a township called Mahalapye.  I believe Mahalapye is the sixth largest town in Botswana.  The total population is right under 40,000.  It’s located right between the two largest cities in Botswana, Gaberone and Francistown.  It’s about two hours from each.  As we are one of the only (if not THE only) sections of the Peace Corps actually supported in part by the local government, my house is being provided for by Botswana’s government.  The idea of having my own house is one of the few things getting me through PST.  I honestly never get time to myself right now, but in a few short weeks I’ll have plenty.  I’ll once again be able to read, write, cook, exercise, etc.  Essentially, I’ll have my life back.

This freedom doesn’t only stop at my personal life, it carries over into my professional life as a PCV.  My role in Peace Corps Botswana is what we call a Community Capacity Builder (or CCB).  CCB volunteers are placed in either clinics, social work offices, or they become part of the District Health Team.  CCB volunteers often have the most freedom.  They work in the clinic, but there job also lies within the community.  Personally, I’m planning on trying to start some youth programs in local schools as my secondary project.  I’m fortunate to not only have the opportunity for secondary projects, but I also have a great desire to work in the clinic.  My experience before Botswana was in the clinic, and when I began applying for Peace Corps, that’s what I envisioned myself doing.  Now, nearly a year later, I’m back in Africa about to spend two years of my life working in a clinic.  This is exactly what I envisioned.  A few things are different than I envisioned, but they are pleasant surprises. 

Recently, my life has been frustrating, overwhelming, and sometimes upsetting.  However, I feel fortunate that I have a personality through which I can be sustained by what I envision in my future.  When I think about all of the personal and professional development I’ll undergo over the next few years, I get really excited.  I’ll have so much room to grow intellectually, physically, mentally, and in character.  And honestly, that’s why I’m here.  Don’t get me wrong, I believe in an altruistic side of things, but I don’t see myself as selfless, or any of that nonsense.  I’m going to change and grow in the next few years in ways that I’ll always appreciate, if I can keep my head on straight.  There is so much on my mind right now, but the one word that keeps resonating with me is…

Solitude.

‘Touch of the Sun’-127 Hours Soundtrack

The Day to Day

I realize that all of my previous posts were very introspective, and so I’ve decided it’s probably time that I write a post that is a little more down to Earth.  So, this one is about a typical day in my life right now:

6:30-I usually wake up from a light sleep around this time.  I say light sleep because the roosters have been crowing for hours at this point, so it’s pretty hard to sleep even this late.  From here I usually bathe, eat breakfast (complete with my malaria anti-biotic), and cook my lunch. 

8:00-At this point, I head next door to have 4 hours of language class with two other trainees.  This may sound like a chore, and sometimes it is, but other times it can be a lot of fun.  The LCF’s (Language and Cross Cultural Facilitators) are great teachers and use a variety of teaching methods to keep things interesting.  Also, I kind of enjoy studying languages.  The goal is to reach a ‘novice-high’ proficiency rating by the end of training, which is what I did on my first practice test.  So, that’s one less thing to stress about.

12:00-After we finish with language, we make the 30 minute hike from Mafhikana (my area in Kanye) to our training site.  Once we get there, we have lunch, use the internet, and just hang out as a group. 

1:30-For the next three and a half hours, we conduct two sessions on a variety of topics, including: HIV/AIDS, specific roles of Peace Corps volunteers, methodologies and project design, community integration, cross-cultural, medical well-being, and a variety of other topics.  Some times these sessions are interesting, but often they’re very repetitive.  This part of the day is usually stressful and something that I just have to withstand.  It doesn’t help that I’m a very hand’s on person and I often end up sitting in a classroom setting for 8 hours every day.

4:00-4:30-Somewhere within this timeframe, we divide up based on what ward we live in and make the trek home.  Often times we’ll talk end up talking about our upcoming site placement along the way.  In one week, we learn our fate for the next two years; urban or rural, remote or near-by to a city, and even staying or leaving in some people’s cases.  Needless to say, some people are getting pretty worked up over it.  Oddly, this is one of the few things that hasn’t been getting me worked up.  I only have a few things that I need in a site, so I can only hope that the Peace Corps really has taken this things into consideration.  We’ll find out in one week.

5:00-6:00-I arrive home somewhere in this timeframe, depending on whether or not we stopped by Choppies (the local grocery store).  Usually, I’ll try to see if I can help with dinner preparations.  This typically means making some bread or chopping some vegetables.  This is an interesting cultural exchange, as it’s something a guy wouldn’t typically do in Botswana.  However, we’re repeatedly told that the homestay experience is about intercultural exchange.  And, as I live in a family of 12, I feel like I need to do my part.  So, usually I end up helping out.  I even go as far as to serve the food sometimes, just because it seems that they really get a kick out of being served by a Lekgoa. 

7:30 and on-Usually this part goes one of two ways.  Either I tell them that I have homework and they come and sit outside with me while I do it, or I tell them that I’ve had a long day and I’m going to go to bed.  I usually don’t actually go to bed at this point, but ff you’re observant you’ve noticed that I haven’t been alone all day.  One thing I’ve come to understand about myself since I’ve been here is I highly value my time to myself.  I enjoy writing, reading, listening to music, or even just sitting around and thinking about life.  The hardest part of PST (pre-service training) has been not having enough time to myself.  Along those lines, I’m not in control of my own diet, my own schedule, and I haven’t been sleeping well thanks to the numerous animals that call Mafhikana home. 

Because of these things, PST has taken on a ‘boot camp’ type of feeling.  It has become something to be survived.  Tensions have been especially high for the past couple of days.  Almost everyone is irritable for some reason, whether it is the changes in lifestyle, the lack in privacy, or the overloaded schedule that Peace Corps is having us suffer through.  Ironically, PST is pretty much the antithesis of Peace Corps service.  As a volunteer, we have a lot of freedom and a lot of time to fill.  And those two things are my selfish reasons for signing up.  I’m so excited for two years of self discovery and the ability to process things, ‘Walden Pond’ style!  I’ll also have a lot of freedom in my job.  I’m excited about being based in a clinic (hopefully!), but I’ll probably only be in the clinic two to three days per week.  Outside of that, I’ll probably start up a secondary project at a school.  I’m thinking of exposing kids to a variety of hobbies (i.e. sports, art, music, literature) to try and help them find their passions.  Honestly, a large part of the problem of HIV in youth is a lack out healthy outlets and ways to occupy their time.  So, playing soccer with the kids can be one way of fighting HIV/AIDS in my area. 

Now, I have to return to my introspective nature for a second.  The last month has been so incredibly stressful at times, as I’m sure the next month will be.  It’s really easy to get down on myself, get frustrated, and wonder why I’m here.  Attitude goes such a long way here.  If I start feeding those negative thoughts early in the day, you can probably assume that I’m going to have a long, frustrating, bad day.  But, I’ve learned something recently: appreciating the small moments can often bring you back from that dangerous slope.  The pace of life in Botswana is much slower than Americans are used to.  So, I’m trying to allow myself to slow down and take these kinds of moments in.  It might be helpful if I give an example…

When we get back to Mafhikana after dark, I often end up walking a few girls home…because let’s be honest, I’m from South Carolina.  The last stop on this route is Tija’s house.  The other day as I finished walking her home, I found myself extremely frustrated over little things.  However, on my way back I saw something that I was forced to stop and appreciate.  There is a small break in the vegetation near Tija’s house that allows you to see across to the other side of Kanye, which is built into a hill.  At this particular moment, the moon was just rising over the hill.  There was an azure blue on the horizon that rose and faded to navy, and you could watch as the stars made their first appearance.  You could see the city lights of Kanye (a very relative term), and for the first time all day, I heard silence.  It may sound like a simple sight, but at the time I felt like I was seeing a living version of Starry Night.  As frustrations pile up, and days get more and more stressful, these little moments get all the more sweet.  But, only if I stop and pay attention to them.  They really are incredibly easy to walk right by.  It honestly makes a world a difference, among the chaos that is my life right now, to be reminded once or twice a day that everything is going to be alright.

Cristofori’s Dream-David Lanz

Life as a Lekgoa

I’ve been thinking recently about idealism.  I think Peace Corps volunteers are often labeled as ‘idealistic’, and I find this a fair assessment.  I’ve noticed it to be a common trait within Bots 10.  I think idealism is a great thing.  Hell, it’s pretty crucial to the reasoning behind many of us joining the Peace Corps.  It got us on the plane.  However, coming down from the idealism high to every day life can be pretty difficult.  I’ve seen the difficulties of that transition many times within the first few weeks of training; not only in myself, but in those around me as well.  The first week or two is always fantastic.  A new culture, a new language, new people, new food…what’s not to love?  But, inevitably that moment comes where one’s initial idealism has to succumb to pragmatism.  Somewhere along the way, we wake up from our dream. 

For me, it was a day of small annoyances.  I had spent a lot of time walking around Kanye, my new home.  I had acquired a lovely new shade of pink, and I was not feeling that great because of it.  I came home to rest, only to have my personal space invaded by my homestay family for trivial reasons.  (Before I go on, I have to clarify that my ‘personal space’ was invaded because of cultural differences, the people of Botswana don’t share our concept of personal space).  I was a little irked at this point, so I tried to call home to hear a familiar voice.  Unfortunately, communication didn’t go so well this time around.  Suddenly, I found myself irritated and not feeling well, and I was thousands of miles away from all of my normal means of coping.  I couldn’t cool off, couldn’t zone out in front of the television, and couldn’t really even go outside thanks to my sunburn.  This is when the veil was lifted and I began to think about my next two years.

I realize at this point that this writing seems negative, and I mean it to sound negative.  It was my first real challenge in Botswana.  I had to begin to come to terms with the fact that my life is changing significantly.  I can’t have all of the comforts I’m used to having every time something isn’t perfect.  I realized at this point that I needed much more than idealism to make it in the Peace Corps.  Idealistic thought can’t sustain people through hard times, so it has to come with something more.  So, at this point I had to come up with more reasons for being here beyond my ‘save the world’ mentality.  Fortunately, after a discussion with an older volunteer that has been here for a few years, I came up with something.  In many ways, I’m here for the struggles.  I want to know that I can keep on moving forward when things suck.  I want to come out on the other side of this experience not only with a greater appreciation for all the things I’ve been handed in life, but I want stronger character.  I don’t think my character will improve unless I allow myself to face challenges like those faced by a PCV.  So, I’m looking at that mildly irritating day as the first of many challenges that I’ll have to find a way to overcome.

Now, I do have to clarify something.  Just because idealism can’t sustain a volunteer through service doesn’t mean that I don’t think it doesn’t have a place here.  I actually think it serves a pretty important point.  That idealism sets a bar for us.  Very few people, if any, come for the day-to-day life of living in Africa.  It’s the big moments that draw us.  For some of us, it’ll be the breakthroughs in our work with people living with HIV/AIDS.  For others, it’ll be personal moments in our travels.  Although I’m not at a site and working yet (June 7^th can’t come soon enough!), I have had some pretty awesome moments here and there.  My homestay family is awesome, and crossing over cultural and language barriers to build relationships with people is one of the most revitalizing feelings I’ve ever felt.  Despite my ever-present cynicism, I’ve been so impressed with the friendly, good-natured, and caring people I’ve gotten to know in Kanye.  The majority of the people here will help you with anything, and for no reason whatsoever other than goodness.  I would stop here to give an example, but I’ve already written a lot, and I don’t know how to choose which of the many examples I would want to talk about. 

Beyond the people, a lot of my idealism regarding my Peace Corps service surrounds the idea of getting to know myself in one of the most untouched parts of the world.  There is something so incredible about getting caught up in nature.  I feel like it appeals to something within me that I don’t quite understand.  A few nights ago, I was out a little later than usual, and I had to walk home right as the sun set.  The walk was about an hour long, and there was a thunderstorm in the distance.  As it got dark, I couldn’t help but notice that there was very little around me other than nature.  A few lights shone in the distance, but there was little more than that.  As the thunderstorm rolled in and in began to rain, I was just kind of caught up in it all.  It was one of the highly romanticized moments I had spent a year thinking about: being caught out in the middle of nowhere with little more to experience than nature itself.  The rest of the night was quite an adventure.  It started to absolutely pour, so we caught a comvi (mini-bus) to a meeting place that was about halfway back to our section of Kanye (called the Mafhikana ward).  From there, it was a mad dash to get home, despite the fact that we were all already soaked through and through.  In the end, there was little more to this story other than being caught out in the middle of nowhere and a thunderstorm.  And yet, there was so much more to it.  At this point, I’m forced to recognize the fact that there are some things that just escape any form of articulation.  I think that’s why I’m here.

30 Seconds to Mars-Alibi

Shake Shake!!!

So I’ve been in Botswana for almost four full days and I haven’t written about it yet.  Unfortunately, the reason for that is that we are in a ‘bubble’ of sorts.  We’re staying at a place called the Big Five lodge.  It’s located in Gaberone, and it’s far from the experience I was preparing myself for.  Honestly, that has probably been a good thing.  I’ve been able to get to know my fellow trainees in a fun environment.  Don’t get me wrong, during the day we stay very busy.  We study Setswana for about 3 or 4 hours per day, and have a multitude of orientation meetings.  But, come 5’ o clock, we just spend time together.  We eat dinner together, have a few drinks, and just get to know each other.  There are also 8 current volunteers here who are currently serving.  They have been a great guiding light to ease us into the reality of being a PCV in Botswana.  I’m glad to have had this experience, because tomorrow we head out for our PST (pre-service training) in Kanye.  I feel that I have a support structure here now.  I’m hoping I still feel that way when the hard times set in.

So that sums up the last couple of days, but that’s not why I’m writing tonight.  I’m writing to share my first ‘out of the bubble’ experience.  To be fair, it wasn’t entirely ‘out of the bubble, but it was certainly far from the ordinary.  After dinner tonight, I was sitting around having a conversation with a few of the other trainees.  One of the current volunteers approached me and said “I need you to come with me”.  Although I was in the midst of a semi-heavy conversation, I got the sense that I should go with him.  So, I quickly wrapped it up and went along with the volunteer.  We met up with a group, and I noticed that there were four trainees and four volunteers.  This really excited me, as I felt like I was on the inside of some type of tradition.  We went to one of the volunteer’s rooms, and I was handed a carton of something called chikubu.  I had heard of chikubu (by another name) but never tried it.  Basically, it’s a type of beer made from water, yeast, and sorghum.  Chikubu is very popular in rural areas of Botswana.  While I was very excited to try a local brew, I think the gesture meant more.  It felt that the current volunteers were treating me as one of their own.  Beyond that, the gesture was one that was culturally significant.  Not that I would ever want to speak on behalf of current volunteers, but it seemed to me that it was a vote of confidence.  That goes a long way right now.  My confidence in myself isn’t all that low, but it isn’t all that high either.  For someone who is a seasoned volunteer with Peace Corps Botswana to make this gesture, we’ll just say it has quite an affect on me.  It makes me feel more like myself; like I can start to believe in myself in a way that I haven’t through this transition. 

Once again, this is my interpretation of the gesture.  Even if things aren’t quite like I’ve articulated them, it was quite a night.  This intercultural experience with people who have successfully integrated into Botswana’s culture makes the intimidating challenges seem much more possible.  Anyways, after the initial experience with Chibuku, we went on another adventure.  As more people joined the get together, we ran out of our supply.  Therefore, we ventured beyond the Big Five into the streets of Gaberone.  We followed along as the current volunteers used their knowledge of Setswana to converse with the locals and find a place to buy more Chibuku.  While the journey was less that epic, watching the volunteers interact with the Batswana was an encouraging experience.  They could have easily used English to find their way, but they used Setswana.  The Batswana seem to love seeing the Lekgoa (white people) speaking in Setswana.  They immediately seem to have a rapport with the locals that would be hard to come by otherwise.  Setswana may not be necessary to communicate, but I think it is vital if a volunteer ever really wants to be a true part of their community.  I’ve known this for a while, but I was lucky enough to see it enacted in front of my eyes tonight.  I hope that, at this point, you all are able to see why I wanted to write about this.  I’m very thankful for what I experienced tonight.  I was able to see that the daunting tasks before me are more than just feasible.  I was also able to feel a part of Peace Corps Botswana, even though I’ve only been here for a few days.  I’ve said it already and I’ll say it again:  a vote of confidence goes a long way.  That’s all I really have for now.  Tlhotse sentle!

Cell Phone in Bots:  76569788

The country code is +267.  If you have a phone where you can’t dial a +, replace it with 011.  So, 011-267-76569788.  I would love to hear from people if you want to call.  Calling over Skype can still be cheap!

My address during PST is:

Blake Ruble, PCV.

Peace Corps, Botswana.

Private Bag 00243

Gaberone, Botswana

Today is the day...

Well, after eight and a half months, the day is finally here.  I leave today to fly to Philadelphia, and orientation starts tomorrow.  What a process it's been; seven months of waiting and wondering, and then a month and a half of intense preparation and lots of emotional goodbyes.  Unfortunately, i'm not good at those types of things.  Transitions are very hard for me; the bigger the transition, the harder it is.  So naturally, this has been a very trying couple of weeks.  As I reflect on it, i've come to this realization: the reason that it's so hard to move on is because things have been great for me.  I had a hard time with graduation, because Wofford offered great friends, great professors, and a great education.  At the time, I was kind of jealous of people who didn't enjoy their time at Wofford, because it was so easy for them to move on.  Recently i've had similar struggles, but amplified.  I'm leaving behind great friends, great family, and a great life.  I always struggle with leaving behind the good things.

Luckily, the next part is one of my favorite parts of life.  I love new beginnings; meeting people, learning new skills, immersing myself in a new culture.  I would like to think of it as one of my strengths.  I quickly get caught up in the whirlwind of new and exciting adventures.  I honestly can't even articulate how excited I am about beginning a new stage of my life.  I think back to how much I enjoyed my first few days at Wofford, and the sense of adventure I had when I first traveled to South Africa, and I can't help but look forward to all the exciting new adventures coming my way.  It has been really hard to wrap my mind around the fact that the day has actually come.  I'm almost through with all of the goodbyes (thank god!) and i'll shortly be enjoying all of the new friends and colleagues.

So after a few emotional and anxiety-filled weeks, it's finally time to start the good part.  Next time you guys hear from me, I'll be halfway around the world in a village called Kanye.  Kanye is 45 minutes outside of Gaberone, and that's where I will be for the next few months.  People have been asking me about where to send things while i'm over there.  I would urge people to wait until the end of PST.  Things will take about a month to get to me anyways (maybe even more), so it will probably be easier to wait until I have a permanent address.  I should get my permanent address sometime near the end of May or beginning of June.

Lastly, thanks to everyone who has been supportive and encouraging over the last few weeks.  They've been very trying, and encouragement hasn't gone unappreciated.  I wish I had the time and means to say everything to everyone that I feel like I should, but unfortunately time is running short.  My flight is a just a few short hours away.  See you guys on the other side!

Blake



A song to match the moment: Festival by Sigur Ros

30 Days and Counting...

This is my first post in my Peace Corps blog, and my first blog ever.

As of today, I have 30 days until my Peace Corps experience begins.  For the last few days i've been searching for the words to describe my feelings about my upcoming Peace Corps service.  I've typically recognized my ability to articulate my feelings as one of my strong suits.  But, for once, I am at a complete loss for words.  I have no idea how to describe the things going on in my head.  I'm scared, anxious, excited, nervous, etc...

And that's just the tip of the iceberg...

The one thing I do feel that I can discuss in some measure is the fact that i'm scared.  It's really starting to sink in that most of the comforts I've had over the last twenty-two and a half years are about to vanish from my life.  For those that don't know, my placement will probably be somewhere in rural Botswana; most of the sites in my sector are.  This means I may have to live without electricity or running water.  Although, I am guaranteed a source of running water within walking distance of my home, but still...

I've never felt quite so small.  When I think of the life i've constructed thus far, I think of my loved ones, Wofford, South Carolina, and so on.  Now I have to leave all of that behind (in a sense).  I can almost feel my insecurities rising to the surface.  It's so easy to mask these things under a veneer of a social life, television, video games, music, internet, and so much more.  I may not have a single one of these in a few short months.  Essentially, I may be alone with myself.  That can be a scary thought.

In reference to these feelings, i've been thinking of the book '1984' by George Orwell.  I hate this book.  That's how I know it's good literature.  The worst type of literature is the type that leaves the reader feeling apathetic.  If a work leaves the reader with strong feelings, positive or negative, it has most likely done it's job.  I hate the book because it has a way of making the individual seem so powerless in the face of the grand scheme of things:

"It was like swimming against a current that swept you backwards however hard you struggled, and then suddenly deciding to turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. Nothing had changed except your own attitude; the predestined thing happened in any case."

I refuse to believe that the power for great social change can't lie in the heart and soul of any one person.  However, the idea of powerlessness is more real to me now than it ever has been.  Strip away all the comforts in a person's life and place them in the middle of a crisis so great as the HIV pandemic in Africa.  It's hard to believe that one person can have any significant impact.  This thought is both my temptation and my challenge.  A temptation in the sense of it becoming a scapegoat.  'What can I actually do', I may ask myself.  A challenge in the sense of rising above the apparent magnitude of the situation.  I don't really have a neat way of tying these thoughts together.  It's just something i'm currently dwelling on...

I may succeed, or I may fail.  The bottom line is that I'm doing this.  I appreciate all of the love and support I've gotten so far.  And, even if I can't talk to everyone as much as I would like, never make the mistake of thinking that any encouragement goes unnoticed.  It is very much appreciated.

I'm not sure how this will go down once I get to my site.  I may have regular access to the internet, or I could be 10 hours away from the closest internet access/cell phone coverage.  Let's hope the latter isn't the case, but I will have to play the hand i'm dealt...

Enough babbling for now.  Thanks for reading.