Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Morutabana Bakang


The first couple of months as a PCV can be kind of tough.  You have to get integrated into a foreign community, all the while trying to find direction for your service.  Unfortunately, many of us are plagued by having way too much time on our hands.  Don’t get me wrong, after PST a little time to myself was welcomed.  But the appeal of time to myself quickly diminished.  After a month or so, I was confronted by a question.  Why am I here?  I think about all of the things I’m missing out on, and I’m forced to question whether it’s worth it.  And it’s hard to get up in the morning if the answer is no.  So my goal as of late has been to turn that no into a yes. 

Sadly, my work at the Xhosa clinic is not your typical Peace Corps work.  Or maybe it’s just not what someone might envision when they go through the process of joining the Peace Corps.  My role at the clinic primarily focuses on systems strengthening and information management.  In other words, the medical staff is good at practicing medicine, but bad at organization and management.  I spend a lot of my time organizing and developing policies, working on performance development plans, and making sure the patient records are properly organized, stored, etc.  Outside of that, I’m trying to help delegate different tasks to encourage sustainable growth.  This isn’t exactly the fulfilling type of work that I signed up for.  That may sound selfish, but I have to find a way to be satisfied with what I’m doing.  Unfortunately the needs of the clinic and my needs don’t quite line up.

The beauty of our roles as PCVs is that our jobs are very loosely defined.  Our primary work may be kind of structured, but we all take up secondary projects that can be anything we choose.  I’ve spent some of my spare time getting to know the staff at Xhosa Primary School.  Today I was at a meeting with the guidance counselors in which we were discussing how we might acquire textbooks and a few computers.  While I was there, I met a teacher by the name of Rosemary (she has a Tswana name, but it’s too long and difficult to pronounce for me to memorize.  Her words, not mine.)  Rosemary told me that she once worked with a PCV who helped teach her students to speak English.  Essentially, the novelty of learning from an American helped the students to engage in the material and become proficient speakers.  Long story short, I start teaching English tomorrow.

Personally, I love the philosophy behind this opportunity.  If you were to walk around my community for an hour, you would realize that an American is a true novelty here.  It can be irritating at times, like when I get hit up for money on a daily basis.  But, for whatever reason, almost everyone I pass wants to speak with me.  This is especially true once I speak to them in Setswana.  I love that I can use this novelty to my advantage and help some students learn English.  Being proficient in English can take you a long way in Botswana, and it’s typically a good indicator of someone’s level of education.  This isn’t always true, but I think there is a pretty strong correlation.  I’m hoping that this new project will help me feel a little more fulfilled in my day-to-day life.

On another note, I really miss home.  That seems like a funny thing to say, because it’s been true ever since I left.  However, the nature of it changes.  At first, I mostly missed good food and hot showers.  You get used to that.  I still miss those things, but I don’t think about it all that much.  However, I will tell you this.  If you want to know how you feel about something, go with out it for a while.  If you want to know what you’re really passionate about, separate yourself from your life (as you know it) for some time.  I can tell you that there is a short list of things that I’ll never stop missing as long as I’m here.  These are the kinds of things I think about every day: baseball, snowboarding, camping in the mountains, sitting on the beach at night, my hometown, etc.  Of course a number of people are a large part of this too.  There are certain people that I tie to anything that I’m passionate about.  The people aren’t just another aspect of my life back home that I miss, they’re part of everything that I miss.  Being away can really teach you how much you take for granted.

On the same note, I find myself taking certain things for granted here.  Sometimes I think too much about the things I miss from back home and how much I look forward to going home one day.  What I fail to do is think about what I appreciate about being in Botswana.  That list is much shorter, but it’s growing.  I’m fortunate to have a beautiful scene right outside of my house.  During the day, Mahalapye can be kind of mundane.  But at night, the stars are probably the best I’ve ever seen.  If you really sit outside and watch, you’ll see a number of shooting stars in a short amount of time.  Over the last week, I’ve taken a liking to just sitting on my back step at the end of the day and stargazing as I try to put things into perspective (can anyone guess where I’m sitting as I write this blog?)  I know it’s a cliché thing to say, but sitting under the stars really makes me feel very small.  The beautiful part about that is that it has a way of making my problems seem just as small.  And two years doesn't seem quite so long anymore...

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Truth in Cliche



Since I’ve been here, there has been one phrase in particular that I’ve heard over and over.  “Your Peace Corps experience is what you make it.”  This is something that I recognized to be true, but also took to be very general, almost cliché advice.  However, over the past few weeks I’ve grown to find that to be truer every single day.  It’s so true that it doesn’t just apply to my service as a whole, but it applies to every single day.  I’m realizing that more often than not, the kind of day I have is directly related to the kind of choices I make.  Recognizing that is often the first indicator of what kind of day I’m going to have.

On the bad days I often find myself slipping into a mentality where I see myself as influenced by my environment.  I feel like being here weighs on me, and I usually give in to some kind of escapism.  Usually this means that I retreat to laying out the couch and watching some type of TV show or movie.  On the surface, this doesn’t seem so bad.  But usually I’m just kind of hoping that the world around me will slip away for a while and that I’ll become unaware of my situation.  This often keeps me from doing anything productive.  And when I fail to do anything productive, the descent back into reality is always a painful one.  I become very aware of how far from home I am, and I don’t see the point.  What’s the point in being so far away from home and familiarity if you’re not going to do something worthwhile?  It’s become clear to me that this lifestyle isn’t sustainable, and I won’t be successful in my service if this is how I live my days.

On the good days I usually see myself as influential to my surroundings.  Usually good days involving running, working out, reading, writing, or doing significant work at the clinic or school.  These days are still very challenging, but I am often very thankful for the challenge; I would even say I welcome it.  These are the days where I feel like I’m growing, changing, and preparing myself for a better future.  I’m able to see the challenges to come as manageable, and I look forward to my future with great anticipation.  I typically find myself to be much more confident on these days.  Confidence goes a long way here.  One of my fellow PCVs recently wrote that “Peace Corps service strips an individual to their core.”  That being said, self-confidence is a necessity here.  If you don’t have it, you’re forced to try to develop it.  Otherwise, you’ll most likely be miserable. 

The problem that I’ve encountered now is that knowing about this pattern isn’t enough.  Living passionately will never be formulaic.  It’s still so incredibly easy to come home after work and simply give in to escapism.  If you really stop and think about it, life is full of ways that we numb ourselves.  There are many things in life that aren’t inherently bad, but when we give ourselves to them, they become crutches.  I’m becoming more and more convinced that living positively and passionately is a choice.  However, it’s not a simple choice.  It’s not choosing to run, write, and be productive.  It’s choosing to be proactive in pursuing whatever it is that will make you happy.  Unfortunately, we often mistake what makes us happy for what we most immediately want.  If that were the way to go, I would be seeing some of you in about 48 hours.  Sometimes being happy takes looking a little deeper.  I may not want to go for a run right now, but if I do I know I’ll feel better about myself, and I’ll get a little endorphin kick as well.  The bottom line is that I feel that trying to be happy takes being introspective, incredibly honest with ourselves, and having the will-power to make things happen.  Some days I succeed at this, and others I fail.  C’est la vie!

I'll soon be heading back to Gaborone for a few more weeks of training.  Although I'm not looking forward to 8 hours of sessions per day, I AM looking forward to hot showers, hot meals (that I didn't have to cook), and some quality time with my fellow PCVs.  I've been told that the period between swearing in and IST (the period of time that i'm now finishing up) is often the hardest as a PCV.  There is the large amount of time before you go home, your service is really ambiguous, and it can be quite lonely at times.  Right now I find that I have to tell myself to just put one foot in front of the other sometimes.  That may sound a bit sad, but when I think about it that way...every step is leading me a little bit closer to a future that i'm very excited about.  I'll still have my bad days, i'm sure.  But my hope is that, in a general sense, things will begin to get easier with each step I take.  

(The article I mentioned is by Ross Szabo.  It’s well worth the read if you have a free  moment.  It may be primarily about Peace Corps service, but there is definitely something in it for everyone:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ross-szabo/coping-peace-corps_b_914645.html)