30 Days and Counting...

This is my first post in my Peace Corps blog, and my first blog ever.

As of today, I have 30 days until my Peace Corps experience begins.  For the last few days i've been searching for the words to describe my feelings about my upcoming Peace Corps service.  I've typically recognized my ability to articulate my feelings as one of my strong suits.  But, for once, I am at a complete loss for words.  I have no idea how to describe the things going on in my head.  I'm scared, anxious, excited, nervous, etc...

And that's just the tip of the iceberg...

The one thing I do feel that I can discuss in some measure is the fact that i'm scared.  It's really starting to sink in that most of the comforts I've had over the last twenty-two and a half years are about to vanish from my life.  For those that don't know, my placement will probably be somewhere in rural Botswana; most of the sites in my sector are.  This means I may have to live without electricity or running water.  Although, I am guaranteed a source of running water within walking distance of my home, but still...

I've never felt quite so small.  When I think of the life i've constructed thus far, I think of my loved ones, Wofford, South Carolina, and so on.  Now I have to leave all of that behind (in a sense).  I can almost feel my insecurities rising to the surface.  It's so easy to mask these things under a veneer of a social life, television, video games, music, internet, and so much more.  I may not have a single one of these in a few short months.  Essentially, I may be alone with myself.  That can be a scary thought.

In reference to these feelings, i've been thinking of the book '1984' by George Orwell.  I hate this book.  That's how I know it's good literature.  The worst type of literature is the type that leaves the reader feeling apathetic.  If a work leaves the reader with strong feelings, positive or negative, it has most likely done it's job.  I hate the book because it has a way of making the individual seem so powerless in the face of the grand scheme of things:

"It was like swimming against a current that swept you backwards however hard you struggled, and then suddenly deciding to turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. Nothing had changed except your own attitude; the predestined thing happened in any case."

I refuse to believe that the power for great social change can't lie in the heart and soul of any one person.  However, the idea of powerlessness is more real to me now than it ever has been.  Strip away all the comforts in a person's life and place them in the middle of a crisis so great as the HIV pandemic in Africa.  It's hard to believe that one person can have any significant impact.  This thought is both my temptation and my challenge.  A temptation in the sense of it becoming a scapegoat.  'What can I actually do', I may ask myself.  A challenge in the sense of rising above the apparent magnitude of the situation.  I don't really have a neat way of tying these thoughts together.  It's just something i'm currently dwelling on...

I may succeed, or I may fail.  The bottom line is that I'm doing this.  I appreciate all of the love and support I've gotten so far.  And, even if I can't talk to everyone as much as I would like, never make the mistake of thinking that any encouragement goes unnoticed.  It is very much appreciated.

I'm not sure how this will go down once I get to my site.  I may have regular access to the internet, or I could be 10 hours away from the closest internet access/cell phone coverage.  Let's hope the latter isn't the case, but I will have to play the hand i'm dealt...

Enough babbling for now.  Thanks for reading.